The past few weeks a side of me has appeared that I don't particularly like. It's an angry, bitter, spiteful, petty, vindictive sort of viciousness that is nothing I am particularly proud of displaying to the world. I'm not going to excuse it or chalk it up to anything. I own up to this. Do know this--I'm not particularly pleased with my behavior, either.
It is an unfortunate part of me that reveals itself during a state of dysphoria.
Dysphoria alone doesn't explain my recent behavior. I'll attempt to diagnosis the reasons why you've seen this extremely dark, not particularly endearing side of who I am. Some of this you know already, but please let me underscore it in totality.
I'm a pretty lethal package of some incredible emotional problems.
1. MAOI
induced mania.2. Incredible frustration because I've been having frequent mood swings
3. A history of childhood sexual abuse
, which makes me afraid of men, hate men, loathe my own masculinity, and display some degree of gender dysphoria4. A completely unregulated mixed state
5. Medication that doesn't work properly
because my condition is so unusual that even the best minds of psychiatry can't fix it6. Bipolar disorder
Rest assured, I wouldn't want to be around me right now, either.
Depression creates a sense of sympathy. Dysphoria just makes you seem like an angry prick.
Right now, I'm an angry prick. I admit that.
And, I really don't want to be. This is not who I am and I do not ask for your sympathy.
Today I've been having panic attacks, crying fits, and rapidly cycling moods. I understand your distance.
No comments:
Post a Comment